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Dear Santa, 

After that crap you pulled on me last year I have been plotting my revenge on you, and you have been warned. Well, I guess that Mrs. Claus either really does care about you or she is not yet tough waiting to be the beneficiary of your life insurance policy since it seems that she has protected you from me. I am certain it is her doing so since you are a dumb jackass. Maybe it has something to do with that time when they rejected my passport to travel to the North Pole after accusing me of incriminating evidence to commit massive bodily harm, indiscriminate acts of terrorism, sadistic sodomy, and some other cruel and unusual garbage. I am not a lawyer so I cannot clarify on these points, but that is neither here nor there. After tracking your worldly travel locations through the channels of NORAD, I knew when you were near and so I prepared myself hidden near my fireplace and waited for you. I armed myself with a slingshot, a can of Lysol, and a lighter. But, alas, you seemed to have outmaneuvered me this year. Instead you left me the new Michael Jackson CD, a package of cheap underwear that is too small, and briefs at that, and powdered incense that has an aroma of a third-world country. That was all bad enough but you left them in my mailbox instead of floating your fat ass down my chimney. Santa, you are a coward! Rather than having your elves and reindeer do all of your work, and I am quite sure that Mrs. Claus tackles most of the intimacy details, you should waddle your chubby, fuzzy self with the penguins to get some exercise and face me! 

In eager anticipation of next time, 

Lil' Joey, who has a lil' bigger this year........

Santa's Response:

Dear Lil' Joey,

You really aren't the brightest bulb on the tree are you? As stated last year, we know when you are sleeping. We know when you're awake. And we know when you've been bad or good. From this, it logically follows that we know all about your cute little tantrums, foot stampings, and revenge plots of death and destruction. My avoidance of you was merely an act of prudence. I don't want you to get into any more trouble than you already are. Did you know that The Department of Homeland security has been notified of your usage of a Federal Installation in the attempted commission of a felony?

Looking forward to your static address next year. Be careful where you drop the soap.